Surd-Times: Punjab Airlines

"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain Banta Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways. We apologize for the four-day delay in takingoff, owing to bad weather and someovertime I had put in at the bakery. This is flight one two six to New Delhi. Landing in Delhi is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the East. And if luck is in our favour, we may even be landing on your village!

Punjab Airways has an excellent record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us!

It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. For the ones that don't quite make it, Punjab Airways staff have all the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin.

Our Stewardess Bubbly will be happy to brief you on our out of court settlement policies. If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off! To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable.

We serve complimentary tea and biscuits provided you have paid for the coupons twice! For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Air India, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.

There is no-smoking in this aeroplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! Life jackets are positioned under your seats and free bathing costumes are made available to the aunts and swimming shorts to the uncles, for emergency jumps !

In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark !!!!

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and fasten your belt. For those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a flight attendant for your suitcase.

Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to visit the cockpit.

Thank you for choosing Punjab Airways.