the monster

i'm sure it's a kind of sign. if my body is reacting this way. and everyday i'm waking up with a dreadful feeling. and everyday i'm counting down to 6pm. and wishing that nothing happens in the 15mins before it turns 6. i get absolutely long headaches lasting for more than a day, i'm aching in weird places like the palms of my feet, and my ankles, i'm even having sore eyes. i can't sleep and wake up at least 5 times every night, and i'm now getting flu and sore throat.

and then when something happens, it just gets me so angry. it's as if the great big monster is there just to torture us for the remaining days. and he can't keep still. he can't just stop going crazy. we're all living our lives in some kind of trauma, having to be careful and suspicious all the time, and having him doubt and accuse us just out of the blue.

it's been almost a week, yet i felt it is almost like the longest week ever. i still have another week and a half to go, but i'm not sure how long i can stand it now. and i keep telling myself to just stand in there, don't let your past 4 years go to waste, and just bear it for the remaining days. all because i have to get my final paycheck before he could claim that i'm not doing my job.

whatever did the 4 years i slogged for mean to him? it's all gone to the waste now. the great big monster is no longer someone i had once respected and followed, and i could no longer do that anymore. i cannot trust this person who tried to put words in our mouth and made us suspect our colleagues, who attempt to make us blame each other for his own benefit. he is no longer protecting us, not on our side, because he is only concerned with protecting his own life, his own reputation and his own good.

i did respect you once. but i resigned because you are no longer deserving of it. not because i'm going away, but because i can no longer work with you. for whatever is left of my respect for you, please at least keep it that way.